Are you really listening?
Tips for Listening Well
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know." - Carl Rogers
Clear your mind.
Take a moment to breathe deeply.
Postpone any efforts to explain your position.
Choose to listen with curiosity.
We cannot listen and prepare our responses simultaneously.
If we attempt to use our ideas to evaluate someone else’s thought we miss the opportunity to understand their perspective.
Show that you’re listening.
Use Non-verbals: Eye-contact, Square posture (Relaxed), Put Devices Away
Use Short Verbal Encouragers: “I see” “Hmm” “Ok” “Go on”
When we seem distracted or disinterested, people tend to repeat themselves, increase their volume, and add more detail than necessary to their statements, to gain our attention.
Showing your listening tends to lead to more concise and calm statements from the speaker.
Simply restate or summarize.
Saying aloud what we heard the other person say in our own words lets them know we are listening and allows them to correct misunderstandings.
Use a statement like: “So, what I hear you saying is … Is that right?” or “Are you saying…?”
Ask clarifying questions if you're struggling to understand what has been said; "Can you tell me a little more about that?”
Avoid using sarcasm or evaluation when re-stating.
Continue getting feedback and restatement until the other person feels their message has been received.
Getting understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. We can get a complete picture of their perspective without giving up our own.
Identify emotions.
Ask: “How do you feel about … ?” or if their feelings are fairly apparent still ask “It sounds like your feeling … is that right?” before assuming.
The goal is to accurately reflect that we have heard what they are feeling.
This moves the conversation out of gridlock and into understanding.
Validate feelings.
When we think we have accurately identified how they are feeling; say "It makes sense that you feel … because ..."
Feelings are not right or wrong because they are a real experience for the person.
Validating a person's experience takes curiosity and empathy.
Creating a safe space for tough emotions brings us closer to the other person.
Validating emotions helps to shift from a defensive position to a collaborative one.
“When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me”.”